If I Had Five Minutes with President Obama,

I'd Tell Him:

 By Eric

• You need to stop it with the health care bill.  It is just pissing people off and making you look like a kid that is throwing a temper tantrum because you are not getting your way.  Learn to compromise.

• SLOW DOWN.  You do not need to be in such a rush to pass large bills that commit our kids and grandkids to so much debt.  Yep, there are things that could use changing (even healthcare), but dude, let's do it right- not just whatever gets slapped together.

• Look carefully at our ICBM's.  They are old.  They are Minuteman III's that were built in the 1970's.  They sit underground in silos and never get used.  Just use some common sense here.  Would you drive a car that has been sitting in a silo and has not been started in 35 years?

• Leave me alone. Don't tell me what I need, don't monkey with my tax rate, don't make me do stuff I don't want to do- like drive a Prius.  I like my truck, it has 8 cylinders and it is loud and it uses lots of gas.  I also like my SUV it safely seats my wife and all the kids.  Matter of fact, I own 2 SUV's and the truck.  I don't want to trade them in on something new, and I don't want a car built by the new GM or Chrysler- not until they pay back the government loans and the government is out of the car business.  While we are talking about cars, you need to start paying the dealers that participated in the Cash for Clunkers thing.  

• Quit smoking.  It sends a bad message to everyone.  Oh, and don't appoint the overweight woman, Regina Benjamin, as your Surgeon General.  She is fat.  The Surgeon General stands for all that is healthy and safe when it comes to our bodies.  A fat Surgeon General is a PR nightmare and hard to take seriously.  See what C. Everett Coop is doing.  He has a weird beard, but we can deal with that.

• Stop holding prime time press conferences.  Focus on working and not explaining what you are doing.  You can email me and I will read what you have been up to, but if you have free time to hold press conferences during the week, in prime time slots, you should spend that time playing with your kids.  They are only young once, and I'd rather you spend that hour or so with them.  Play Wii or something with them.

• Send the Marines to CUBA and take that bitch over.  Enough already with the Castro Brothers.  I want to lay on the beach in Cuba and eat Cuban food.  I also want to gamble in Cuba.

Bigots’ Rights

By Charles McLean

Melvin Bedford Blunt is a bigot.  He hates just about everybody who differs from him in any significant way.  And it’s high time he got some respect.

I want to thank the politically-correct editorial writers of America for giving me the courage to speak out and demand that Americans everywhere respect Melvin’s bigotry.  After all, at least ten percent of Americans are bigots.  (We know this to be a fact because it has been repeated innumerable times in print.)  Many of these bigots never come out of the closet, fearing public ridicule.   Some closet bigots even maintain relationships with people of different religions and ethnicities, hoping to mask their true orientation.  But bigotry is a lifestyle as old as mankind, and those of us who value diversity are obligated to stand up for the bigot community and insist that they be accepted in the American mainstream just as they are.

Melvin K. Blunt never asked to be a bigot.  He just is one.  As far back as his childhood, he remembers not liking black people, brown people, blond people and Baptists.  As he moved through adolescence, some adult bigots helped get in touch with his true identity by taking him to Klan rallies and marches (otherwise known as “Bigot Pride Parades”). His horizons expanded as his latent bigot consciousness grew to include a distaste for Lithuanians, Libertarians, and lovers of Louis Lamour.

Melvin’s personal orientation has always elicited scorn and rejection from his community.  Preachers rail at bigots from their pulpits, self-righteously judging their lifestyle choice.  The whole bigot community is shunned by civic groups and discriminated against in the workplace.  Hispanic employers don’t want to hire Melvin just because he calls them “burrito benders” in the privacy of his own bedroom.  What about Melvin’s constitutional right to privacy?  What happens in an American’s own chat room between consenting adults is nobody else’s business.  You cannot punish a man just because he rails against Republicans, Romanians, rent collectors and the Rainbow Coalition.  Where are you, ACLU?

Even when Melvin served his country with valor in the Fort Dix motor pool, he was subjected to the humiliating “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule.  He longed to stand proud before his fellow soldiers and explain why America was all about protecting his right to hate anybody he chose. But that door was slammed in his face.  No, Melvin didn’t want to recruit new bigots.  He just wanted the Army to respect his desire to dislike doctors, Democrats, doormen, and Dodge dealers.  But Melvin’s commanding officer told him point-blank that the Army would not tolerate intolerance, and that the only way Melvin could keep his stripes was to keep his bigot lifestyle a secret.

Over the years, various people have suggested that Melvin could stop being a bigot, if only he wanted to.  Self-proclaimed “former bigots” offer counseling to “help” people like Melvin.  Such arrogance!  Why can’t they just accept him for who he is?  By discriminating against Melvin, such people are just exposing their own hidden bigoted urges, no matter how much they deny it. The popularity of David Duke, Louis Farrakhan, and White Men Can’t Jump speaks for itself.  I say it’s high time to expose the hypocrisy.

America needs to see the hate and antagonism of bigoted people as part of the mainstream of public discourse.  It would help if we retired the term “bigot” altogether, in favor of a more culturally-sensitive designation:  Selective-American.  But our government is the key.  Americans should expect, no, demand that the next administration appoint at least one Selective-American to a cabinet post.  We could get Selective-Americans to lecture in our elementary schools during Cultural Diversity Week.  Let our children decide for themselves whether the Selective lifestyle is for them, free from the parochial pressures of parental prejudice.  It’s time, America, to strike a blow for legally-mandated tolerance of intolerance.  Intolerance of intolerance must no longer be tolerated in our bright and shiny land of the free. 

Gentle reader, please excuse the limitations of this poor satire.  The soul of parody is to take the mildly absurd and reduce it to the ridiculous.  But when I read the rhetoric of the champions of “alternate lifestyles”, I find they have beaten me to the punch and left me very little material to work with.